Got a sinking feeling? Pesky premonitions? Just a little nervous? That’s nothing!

Here are seven sure-fire tips to fuel that anxiety.

Dwell on Your Fears

Worried about the state of the country? Read more news. Join one of those activist movements and meet up with fellow disgruntled souls so you can gripe and grouse together. Listen to your favorite political news outlet. Let all the world’s problems pile on top of your own.

Maybe you interviewed with an amazing company, but know about the fabulous applicants vying for the same position. Call your friends and give them a blow-by-blow account of your interview. Don’t let that phone leave your side. Check it every few seconds to see if you missed “the call.” Stalk the mailman to see if he brought you a rejection letter.

WARNING!!! Steer clear of bible verses encouraging you to meditate on what is true, noble, right, lovely etcetera. Do not exercise, do yoga, help others, do the next right thing, or any of that malarkey. It will take your mind off of your worries and focus your energies on others.

Focus on the truly awful stuff—then you can be properly worried.

Let Your Bible Collect Dust

If you read too much of your Bible, it’ll remind you to trust God. If you trust God, worry becomes more elusive. The Bible shows God keeping His promises, showing steadfast love, comforting the downcast, sending His Son to save us, encouraging us to be strong. Immersion in the Bible interferes with full-blown worry.

Beware of the three P’s—Psalms, Proverbs, and Philippians! Those three books of the Bible overflow with comfort and encouragement. Ignore your Bible app and place your bible (closed of course) decorously on your coffee table.

Tell Everyone About it (Except God!)

Take your troubles to the trifecta: Friends, Family and Facebook.

Apprehensive about those test results? Mull over the possibilities with your friends, neighbors, co-workers, and baristas.

Call your mom so she can worry too. Tell her you think you’re dying (it’s only a bit of a stretch) so she can worry too. Congratulations! You’ve successfully shared the foreboding-frenzy with other needy souls.

#Sweating over something? Post it on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Instagram (be sure to #HashTagIt because #calmisoverrated)! Get lots of sympathy in the comments, further affirming the pleasure of anxiety.

Whatever you do, don’t pray!

Remember the phrase: “If it’s worth worrying about, it’s worth praying about.”

Taking your fears to the Lord whenever they creep into your heart and mind is a sure-fire system to destroy dread. Peace that passes understanding? Peace in spite of circumstances? Perish the thought! Abstain from prayer if you want to be properly worried!

Lose Lots of Sleep

“Brave no sleep, go for days without sleep!”

– Michael, from Disney’s Peter Pan

Think about your problems before bedtime while consuming blood-sugar-spiking foods. Interfere with your digestion and lay on your side with heartburn. While you toss and turn in discomfort, allow those thoughts to run rampant.

Lavender is the enemy!

Don’t apply those evil essential oils…

…and for heaven’s sake don’t drink that calming tea!

Phew! That was close. I just saved your worry…

Remember this important advice: “Don’t pray before bed, check Facebook instead!”

Scroll through all the perfect lives of your friends while reading about the latest political disaster. Squirm uncomfortably over all you haven’t accomplished compared with your lovely acquaintances. Oh, and that blue light on your phone? It slows down your melatonin, further impeding your sleep. So remember, “Don’t pray before bed, check Facebook instead!”

Consume Copious Caffeine

Consume Copious Caffeine,
Fuel the worry machine,
Raise the Red Bull
Fill that cup full
Of shiny stimulus sheen.

Consume Copious Caffeine
Visit the circle of green
Feel that chest race
Rush, reel, and pace
You lean mean worry machine!

Chocolate, coffee, lattes, metabolism-boosting pills, energy drinks—these are excellent aids in accelerating heart rate and inducing panic attacks. Add in all that nutrient-depleting sugar and we have a recipe for delicious disquiet.

Ban All Things Labeled “Healthy”

Avoid essential oils like the plague. Listen to the extensive fear-mongering of how those oils are not only being pandered like snake-oil by greedy, inexperienced “consultants,” but are also highly toxic! Beware of Lavender, Copaiba, Vetiver, Bergamot, Sandalwood and that Ylang Ylang stuff. We want our precious worries to survive, don’t we?

Eat processed everything. Avoid green anything. 

Do not—I repeat—do NOT eat whole, nutrient-dense foods!

The experts recommend consuming magnesium to reduce anxiety. Don’t listen to those posers. Magnesium has a calming effect. If you start taking it, it will interfere with your “create more worry” endeavors.

Be obsessed with Your Health

Now, if you want to obsess about “healthy living,” fussing endlessly over every toxin under the sun—be my guest!

Subscribe to every health blog on earth and worry about whether you can eat this, wear that, or (gasp!!) use aluminum foil!

Your friend’s casserole wasn’t made from ingredients grown in her non-existent backyard organic garden… And you ate it?! You’re going to die of monosodium glutamate!

Agonize over all the money you’re spending to be healthy. Raise your blood pressure by going to the doctor and hearing he wants to put you on meds. (Lions, and Tigers, and Amlodipine—oh my!!)

By all means, do the healthy living thing, but only if it’ll create anxiety!

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Now that you are armed with some first-rate tension tools—go forth and be anxious!

If, however, you’re crazy enough to want to rid yourself of anxiety, do the opposite of what I’ve advised above. Here are a few older posts you might find helpful:

The 26-Day #Encourage Marathon

When Life is Overwhelming

Something to Remember on Election Day

Trust: Facing the Fiery Furnace

You’re Not As Alone As You Think