7 Marriage Principles We Should Teach Our Children

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Many parents squirm over the prospect of their children dating and marrying—and for good reason. We who have been through that stage of life are well-acquainted with the pitfalls, dangers and temptations. We have observed (or experienced) them and are more than a little reluctant to let our kids face that particular gauntlet.

Because we live in a society in which people choose their marriage partner, it is absolutely vital that we actively teach our children what marriage is and what to look for in a spouse.

#1: Dating/courtship is for the purpose of finding the right person to marry.

Dating/courtship is a vetting process like a job interview. Get character references (not necessarily in writing), get to know that person’s friends, learn how they behave in various situations. We need to remind our children that when they date someone, they need to closely examine that person’s character:

1. Do you they walk with the Lord or do they merely go through the motions?

2. Do they anger easily?

3. Do they have emotional imbalances?

4. How does a man treat his mother? How does a girl treat her father? Odds are they will treat you the same way after you are married.

4. Do they give in to vices—drugs, gambling, overeating, overspending, alcohol, etc.?

5. Are they lazy or hardworking?

6. Do they treat you respectfully or try to lead you into temptation?

7. Are they willing to wait until marriage to have physical intimacy?

Teach your kids these principles in any conversation about potential dating prospects. I saw an example recently in which a mother told her daughter to insert her boyfriend’s name in place of “love” in 1 Corinthians 13 and determine whether he possessed some of the attributes (patient, kind etcetera). It was an eye opener for the young girl!

#2: Marry a true fellow Christian.

I am certain there will be many who disagree with me on this one.

I have seen 3 cases in which an unbelieving spouse turns toward Christ and becomes a strong, dedicated Christian. It is possible—all things are with God. However, it is a phenomenal risk. Do you really want to place the spiritual future of your unborn children on the line?

Another thought: it is much easier to pull someone down than to lift somebody up. The relationship between a husband and wife is one of the strongest, most intimate earthly bonds. How can two walk together unless they are agreed? You will each keep trying to pull one another down disparate paths, leading to contention, separation, or one side caving to the other. I don’t care how strong you think you are, you set yourself up for a troublesome path if you choose to marry someone who doesn’t love the Lord.

Lastly, just because someone says they are a Christian does not mean they live like one. Observe their conduct both in worship and when surrounded by worldly people.

#3: Marriage is a lifelong commitment.

Our society has been eroding this concept for decades. The homosexuals didn’t destroy marriage; heterosexual married couples beat them to it. Divorce rates have been high since the 1970’s, with the result that marriage is—to quote Mary Poppins—a “pie crust promise, easily made, easily broken.”

Emphasize the importance of commitment to your kids. If your children promise to do something—no matter how small—hold them to it! If they fail to keep appointments, show up for jobs, fulfill agreements  etc, let them suffer the consequences. If they learn to be committed to their word, they will carry this over into their married life.

#4: Husbands should love their wives.

Duh.

This may seem obvious, but it’s often neglected.

Husbands, take the initiative to set up a date night with your wife away from the house. Show your wife affection in front of your children. I’m not suggesting that you be inappropriate about it, just give her small tokens of affection such as coming up behind your wife to give her a hug, holding her hand when you’re out walking, opening the car door for her when you get ready to leave, or  giving her a kiss whenever you part from each other. Women crave romance and affection, no matter what their love language might be. Random acts of romance are great too!

One last thing: praise her often, especially in front of the kids. They need to see that their mother is cherished and appreciated by their father so they will model it in their own relationships. They need to know that women are not doormats, nor are they goddesses—they are a valued partner in the marriage relationship and ought to be treated as such.

#5: Wives should respect their husbands.

I was surprised to learn that Aretha Franklin’s hit song “Respect” was written by Otis Redding—a man. It wasn’t meant to be a feminist mantra; it was a husband’s plea to his wife!

Just as women crave affection, men long for respect. Our culture has gone out of it’s way to demean men in an effort to promote women. This isn’t equality, folks, it’s selfishness. Why do you have to tear someone else down in an effort to build yourself up? Men should show respect to their wives, but wives should also respect their husbands.

Wives, do NOT demean your husband behind his back or to his face. Speak civilly in front of the children. Find the good that he does and praise him behind his back and to his face. Ask his honest opinion and consider it without rolling your eyes. Build him up, don’t tear him down. This makes a huge difference for your children as well. If a wife disrespects her husband, the kids will also disrespect him. If there is really something irritating you, take it first to the Lord in prayer and then communicate it to your husband privately once you’ve considered the best way to approach it.

#6: Married couples should be a team.

I think two of my three children have tried the “daddy-said-no-so-ask-mommy” routine (or vice versa) at least once. They quickly learned to discard this tactic. If we disagree about something with the kids, we do it behind closed doors. In front of the kids, we are a united front. They’ve learned that we aren’t to be manipulated or turned against each other.

#7: Married couples may disagree, but they do it respectfully.

Have discussions, not arguments in front of your children. I’ve heard people say that kids should see married couples argue so they know that “it happens” and doesn’t mean the marriage is over. I’m not so sure about that. I recommend discussing things (in a civil manner) in front of the kids. Children should see that spouses disagree (it’s reality), but that it can be done without resorting to anger. (Remember:  don’t argue about your kids in front of your kids—keep those discussions private!)


We cannot force our children to choose good partners or to have good marriages. Even in good marriages, there may come a time in which one spouse is lead away by temptation or crumbles under pressure.

Here is what we can do: 

  1. Pray for your child’s future spouse—daily.
  2. Actively teach these principles
  3. Be an example of the above principles!

What if I’m a single parent?

If you are widowed with children at home, you have a challenging job dealing with grief and caring for children. Pray diligently! Seek out families with good parents that your children can spend time with so they can observe good marriages. If you choose to remarry, tread carefully and make sure to do your due diligence in researching that person.

If you are divorced, you have a tough mountain to climb, depending on the age and maturity of your child. Don’t spend all your time running down your ex. You cannot control that person or what they say; you can only control what you do with the time you have with your child. Love them, teach them, and point out the pitfalls of divorce—they see it firsthand though they may not grasp it. Be an example of steadiness and stability. Above all, pray ceaselessly for your children—divorce is hard for them to handle too!

If we want to see stronger marriages, we need to start by strengthening our own and teaching our children these principles.

What marriage principles are you teaching your children? What would you add to the list?

Praying for wives [The Effective Prayer – October 27, 2015]

This post is part of a biweekly series on effective prayer. To read the original post on effective prayer, click here.

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An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

~ Proverbs 31.10-11, ESV

In our previous effective prayer post, we talked about praying for husbands and the challenges of marriage. If you have not read it, please click here. This post is built on the same principles.

As I mentioned in that post, marriage is about sacrifice made from a deeply committed, unconditional love. A lasting marriage takes effort, you can’t simply get married, hit auto pilot and expect smooth sailing. Turbulence, storms, low fuel and other variables require the couple to be attentive in order to stay intact.

There are many passages about wives in the Bible. Let’s dive in to a few before looking at focus points for prayer.

The “Submission” Issue

Ephesians 5:22 is probably one of the most controversial passages for women in today’s culture of female independence and dominance:

Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.

Ephesians 5:22, ESV

Yes. It actually says that in the Bible.

“Submit” is viewed as one of those dirty words. Webster’s Dictionary defines it as, “to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; surrender. To defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.” So many pop songs talk about surrendering to the one we love, but the real-world application is far more elusive. Consider the rest of the context surrounding Ephesians 5:22:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”

Ephesians‬ ‭5:15-25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I included the verses leading up to 22 because I want you to notice that in the context, the passage talks about submitting to each other in the church. Submission is not a suggestion. It’s a requirement for every Christian.

Does this mean that wives should be a doormat—trampled on, wiped with mud and treated as common? Absolutely not! Notice that the immediate words following the instructions to wives are “husbands, love your wives.” I’ve never seen anyone shower their doormat with affection, have you? (Well, maybe at Pier 1.) So what does healthy submission look like for the Christian wife?

I will share my penny-worth thoughts: a submissive wife is the life-force of the home. She and her husband have agreed on the goals of their home and she does her part to help those goals be achieved. She discusses issues with her husband and he either delegates to her or takes on the task himself, but the success or failure lands on his shoulders. She honors her husband in front of their children and doesn’t run him down behind his back. He consults her because she is a pillar in the home and shows her love and affection. She supports her husband in the training of their children—they do not undermine each other.

Jesus submitted to God’s will in going to the cross. He prayed, “not my will, but Thine be done.” We submit to Christ when we are baptized into His death and raised to walk in newness of life. Our life is to be in submission to His will. The Church submits to Christ because He is the authority. Does He crush, berate, and belittle His church? No! He loves the church just as husbands are to love their wives.

Is it hard to submit to Christ? Are we willing to surrender ourselves to Him by changing our ways and walking with Him? It takes effort doesn’t it? We make every effort to do so because we love Him, we respect Him, and we trust Him.

Transfer those concepts to the marriage relationship as a wife. What does it mean to submit? Love. Respect. Trust.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

~ Ephesians‬ ‭5:33‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Do you love your husband? If you do, show him some respect. Don’t bash him behind his back, don’t perpetually roll your eyes at his every enthusiasm and don’t make him look like a fool. That behavior is cultural, worldly, and selfish. Don’t be conformed to the world. Be like Christ.

Does respect imply the absence of disagreement? By no means! If a wife is a true helpmeet to her husband, she will speak up if she sees as decision as a poor choice that will be detrimental to her husband or the family as a whole. It’s how she goes about disagreeing that is significant. For instance, if the husband decides that the family needs a boat, but the wife realizes that buying the boat will put the family in debt and under considerable financial strain, she’s going to hit the brakes. The wife approaches him and says, “I like that you want to create memories with the family and give us something for enjoyment, but I am concerned about the impact to our budget. We have our son’s braces to pay for next year and our daughter is going to need the next size violin in a few months…” Reasonable reminders, gentle persuasion. A good leader/husband will consider the rationality of his wife’s statement, concur with it and make the responsible decision.

A wife should speak well of her husband both to his face and behind his back. She should highlight his positive attributes and praise him in front of their children. She can also demonstrate respect by showing interest in his activities.

What if the husband isn’t a good leader and/or is not a Christian? 

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

~‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3:1-2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

This is no easy task and will be in the focus points for our prayers. It is no easy thing being married to a spouse who doesn’t obey God. The best thing for a wife in this situation is to focus on doing what God requires of her.

Live the way God wants you to live, love the way Christ loves and your example may have a powerful impact on your husband. Remember that he will stand before God on judgement day to answer for his choices as a husband and father. I do not encourage remaining in an abusive home as it can do great harm physically and mentally to a woman and children. When it is simply poor leadership or apathy toward God, remain and live for Jesus. Pray constantly for your husband.

If you are single, pray these things for your married friends! If you are a man hoping to be married one day, pray that you will find these qualities in a wife. If you are a woman hoping to be married one day, pray these qualities for yourself, paying particular attention to proverbs 31.

Dont fail to pray for the “strong” wives. Even if someone seems to have it all together, they are still human and subject to temptation and trial. They need your prayers to remain faithful and true.

What should we pray for wives?

  • Pray they will be devoted to God in prayer and study.
  • Pray they will learn to submit to their husbands in a healthy, Christ-like way and pray  their husbands will in turn show love toward them.
  • Pray they will be respectful toward their husbands both publicly and at home.
  • Pray for them to stand against temptation.
  • Pray they will honor the Lord in their marriage.

If a wife is in a difficult relationship with a poor leader or unbeliever, pray for her to remain strong in the Lord and have a positive impact on her husband that will lead him to Christ.


FREE PDF prayer guide. Includes bible verses and a few lines to add notes/names. Download by clicking here.

Pray with purpose.

Pray effectively.

Reach out and encourage!

Please leave feedback in the comments section re: the PDF download. I am still trying to format this effectively to be a tool for your use and mine. Thank you in advance for your help!